I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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