she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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