i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
