dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i barfeds in our rink
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
