Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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