i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
