I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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