So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
