Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
