The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
