dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
