you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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