Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
