At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
