My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
