party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
