Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
What a dumb baby whore.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
