I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
