youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
