ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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