you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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