he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
