You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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