Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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