she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
