when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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