wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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