can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
