dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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