Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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