the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
