Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
