Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
