walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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