Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
