i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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