I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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