this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
