Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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