I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
