I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
