Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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