Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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