WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I am mentally ready for anal.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
