then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
