Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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