I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
