i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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