I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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