I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
